My brain works. All the time. My brain thinks, all the time. Trying to find some peace is what this journey is about. I bore myself sometimes because I'm so self involoved. But not that arrogant stuck up sort of way, more of a let's discuss everything to pieces until I feel a few seconds of reassurance then move on to analyze something else. It really is qwuite wearing on the psyche. Just writing this is a challenge because I want to go back and fix it, see if I said it the right way. How effing tiresome.
Had some beer and gin last night. I feel yucky today, so I'm headed out for a run to get the polluted juices flowing. I am reading about Macrobiotic and Raw Foods diets- this is making me really not want to drink. And in my head I'm going,"wait~this sounds like you have a huge drinking problem, no, don't make excuses~" perhaps what I have is a problem with drinking. It's a habit- I've been at it for years in varying intensities. Like quitting smoking years ago, I need to just accept that I don't want to have that relationship with alcohol anymore. It's hard to change that- habit makes me push myself to have another drink even when I really don't want one- almost like I'm scared to not get drunk, what's the point if I'm not getting schwilly? This issue has been the subject of so many journal entries, of so many problems, of so much wishing. Wishing I could be brave enough to just be me, not having to hide under the mask of a few or a few too many drinks.
I'm getting there. Change is slow. So slow. I'm hoping that by writing this I will see, in print, what my truth needs to be. I know that I am ready for a big change, that I'm tired of life the way it's been, tired of being half there for myself and everyone else, too. Time for a run.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Premier
Beginnings can be difficult. Really difficult. Especially after filling out the regulation forms, trying to think of my favorite book- that sort of sucked my brain out.
Hello! I am 36 years old. I'm married, with an almost 3 year old son. I am a full time student, as well as a part time waitress. (we won't go there today!) I run for fun as well as fitness, and am very health concious. But, I tend to drink too, too much- on a scary regular basis. And I am tired of feeling like there's a hand holding my head just below the water. Then, lo and behold, on Oprah last week, a vibrant woman called Kris Carr who pushed me out of the plane into the air, parachute attatched. She gave me a final bit of inspiration, a final nugget of truth that moved me to truly want to change my life.
I have a friend who died of cancer Feb. 14, 2007. She was a beautiful, brave woman who abandoned chemical treatment for life quality- in other words, she LET GO of what she was "supposed" to do and listened to her body, and found great joy in her final days. She and I were not close, but I remember a conversation we had once. She told me she started to LET GO and things became more clear.
Which brings me to my disease. No, it's not an official, medically documented one- no complicated name, no pills to take. It's called white knuckled fearful prediction of all future events and outcomes accompanied by an acute case of self doubt. My brain is so overworked it really should have gone on strike years ago. Perhaps that's how the drinking started. To escape from my never quiet brain. The constant doubting of every decision, of every sentence-THIS is the me I'm breaking up with. Relationships can be hard, and they are work. But they can also be a source of great comfort, of solace and of joy. This is the beginning of my journey.
Hello! I am 36 years old. I'm married, with an almost 3 year old son. I am a full time student, as well as a part time waitress. (we won't go there today!) I run for fun as well as fitness, and am very health concious. But, I tend to drink too, too much- on a scary regular basis. And I am tired of feeling like there's a hand holding my head just below the water. Then, lo and behold, on Oprah last week, a vibrant woman called Kris Carr who pushed me out of the plane into the air, parachute attatched. She gave me a final bit of inspiration, a final nugget of truth that moved me to truly want to change my life.
I have a friend who died of cancer Feb. 14, 2007. She was a beautiful, brave woman who abandoned chemical treatment for life quality- in other words, she LET GO of what she was "supposed" to do and listened to her body, and found great joy in her final days. She and I were not close, but I remember a conversation we had once. She told me she started to LET GO and things became more clear.
Which brings me to my disease. No, it's not an official, medically documented one- no complicated name, no pills to take. It's called white knuckled fearful prediction of all future events and outcomes accompanied by an acute case of self doubt. My brain is so overworked it really should have gone on strike years ago. Perhaps that's how the drinking started. To escape from my never quiet brain. The constant doubting of every decision, of every sentence-THIS is the me I'm breaking up with. Relationships can be hard, and they are work. But they can also be a source of great comfort, of solace and of joy. This is the beginning of my journey.
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