Shut Up (or as mom would say, "Be quiet please.")

My brain works. All the time. My brain thinks, all the time. Trying to find some peace is what this journey is about. I bore myself sometimes because I'm so self involoved. But not that arrogant stuck up sort of way, more of a let's discuss everything to pieces until I feel a few seconds of reassurance then move on to analyze something else. It really is qwuite wearing on the psyche. Just writing this is a challenge because I want to go back and fix it, see if I said it the right way. How effing tiresome.

Had some beer and gin last night. I feel yucky today, so I'm headed out for a run to get the polluted juices flowing. I am reading about Macrobiotic and Raw Foods diets- this is making me really not want to drink. And in my head I'm going,"wait~this sounds like you have a huge drinking problem, no, don't make excuses~" perhaps what I have is a problem with drinking. It's a habit- I've been at it for years in varying intensities. Like quitting smoking years ago, I need to just accept that I don't want to have that relationship with alcohol anymore. It's hard to change that- habit makes me push myself to have another drink even when I really don't want one- almost like I'm scared to not get drunk, what's the point if I'm not getting schwilly? This issue has been the subject of so many journal entries, of so many problems, of so much wishing. Wishing I could be brave enough to just be me, not having to hide under the mask of a few or a few too many drinks.

I'm getting there. Change is slow. So slow. I'm hoping that by writing this I will see, in print, what my truth needs to be. I know that I am ready for a big change, that I'm tired of life the way it's been, tired of being half there for myself and everyone else, too. Time for a run.