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Beginnings can be difficult. Really difficult. Especially after filling out the regulation forms, trying to think of my favorite book- that sort of sucked my brain out.

Hello! I am 36 years old. I'm married, with an almost 3 year old son. I am a full time student, as well as a part time waitress. (we won't go there today!) I run for fun as well as fitness, and am very health concious. But, I tend to drink too, too much- on a scary regular basis. And I am tired of feeling like there's a hand holding my head just below the water. Then, lo and behold, on Oprah last week, a vibrant woman called Kris Carr who pushed me out of the plane into the air, parachute attatched. She gave me a final bit of inspiration, a final nugget of truth that moved me to truly want to change my life.

I have a friend who died of cancer Feb. 14, 2007. She was a beautiful, brave woman who abandoned chemical treatment for life quality- in other words, she LET GO of what she was "supposed" to do and listened to her body, and found great joy in her final days. She and I were not close, but I remember a conversation we had once. She told me she started to LET GO and things became more clear.

Which brings me to my disease. No, it's not an official, medically documented one- no complicated name, no pills to take. It's called white knuckled fearful prediction of all future events and outcomes accompanied by an acute case of self doubt. My brain is so overworked it really should have gone on strike years ago. Perhaps that's how the drinking started. To escape from my never quiet brain. The constant doubting of every decision, of every sentence-THIS is the me I'm breaking up with. Relationships can be hard, and they are work. But they can also be a source of great comfort, of solace and of joy. This is the beginning of my journey.