4 AM

Blogging at almost 5 AM. Such an oddity. But I found myself in bed, awake, and thought why not. All I was going to do was sit there and think until Jack gets up anyway. This has been an interesting week. I am finding that I love my new juicer and feel so much better in the morning after a big glass of gorgeous green juice than I ever did with my bowl of Cinnamon Harvest and milk. I totally agree that dairy is not good for you, that it creates sludge. This is true for many foods I've been figuring out. I can feel my body slowing down after I eat things like all the food from the BBQ place yesterday. I like thinking about these things, but I know that committing to as more healthy diet will take some serious willpower. I had a great conversation with my uncle last night about food and life in general. He has always called his body a "temple" and has always taken good care of himself. It was so refreshing to talk to someone who isn't so blinded by the "Great American Diet" i.e. meat, potatoes, dairy- who actually brought up the balance of food before I did.

I am feeling stressed about school, but better after I did some work yesterday. Keeping up is so important. And difficult, because Jonathan really doesn't have anything to do and it's so much easier to fuck off school that to study. I know what I have to do.

This new "diet" and way of thinking about things is starting to take shape. I can tell that I'm changing- physically as well as mentally. I need to find some more positive good energy people to be around, to be friends with. People who have the same interests and who, unlike my mother, are positive about life and want to care for themselves. It makes me so sad to see my mom being so fat, so unhappy, and so unwilling to do something about it. If you don't care enough about yourself to help yourself, then who else can you truly care about? Her negative attitude really brings me down. I worry about her a lot.

This past week has been rough- stress about school, Jack, PMS, not doing what I know I need to do- like making time for a run every day- is making me sad. I am embarking on this beautiful new journey but I don't really have anyone to share it with. Jonathan is so disconnected, so just "whatever you want to do" that it drives me nuts. No passion, no happiness, just being. I wonder sometimes how we will be in 10 years... it scares me to think that he won't ever come out of his "coma" and really experience the joy of life. It scares me that I won't stop hiding behind glasses of wine and really be me. I am starting to dream, starting to think about what I really want for the future- and while I'm writing it just keeps coming to me... stop drinking to get drunk, eat the right things, you will see more clearly than you've seen in 25 years. Packing my body full of food and drink, clogging it up without giving it a break- no wonder I'm listless all the time- no wonder I can't get quiet- I'm always working- working on digesting, working on not feeling like poo cause I'm hungover, working on predicting the future so I know the exact outcome and need not fear surprises. I am ready, Lord, am I ready. Let's go let go. I just figured out that I'm not alone. I just remembered God.