Really, really, really...

I was watching Elizabeth Gilbert on Oprah and this phrase really started me to thinking. By the way, EG is a fantastic woman who shines so brightly... I too shine and will get brighter.

So, the question is, WHAT DO YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT?
1. some religion. my teacher is out there, I just have to get quiet enough to hear.
2. I really want to not drink, at all.
3. I really want to find the patience to be with my son- to slow down enough to enjoy the simple things he loves to do.
4. I really want to move from here, this is not my home.
5. I want to run a marathon.
6. I want to go to France.
7. I want a home in the country/mountains where I can be free to be me.
8. I want to be sucessful as a therapist/walking therapist.
9. I want to grow my own veggies.
10. I want to find the patience to meditate, to slow down and listen to my inner voice.
11. I want to stop all the self doubt and constant questioning- I am forever doubting the decisions I make, always beating myself up, changing scenarios, constant noise in my head.
12. I want to own a pair of cowboy boots.
13. I want to cut my hair.
14. I want to have 3 more children.
15. I want the confidence to be sexual, not ashamed.
16. I want some lunch, right now I'm hungry.

running on... WE ROCK! rules...

I went for a run for the first time in what seems like a long time- but I think I did manage to go once last week...or was it the week before? That's me in all black running in my first race in October. Woo hoo me!

I look forward to a break from school so I can get back into a running routine again. I was thinking of rules I would like to make for myself... things I have to do every day. Here's what I came up with...

1. Wake with gratitude. find things to be grateful for all day. remind yourself how lucky you are and that, as Jack would say, "we have everything we need." Find time to meditate.

2. Eat well. meat rarely, no dairy, juice 2X a day. Chew food thouroughly. Be mindful of food choices and reasons why you're eating. Are you hungry, bored, worried? No eating 3 hours beore bedtime.

3. Run 5X per week. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. Make sure to stretch. Before and after.

4. Open your heart to people and new experiences. Be positive.

5. Choose happiness. Don't get bogged down with the future. Choose to live in this day.

6. Kindness is contagious. Show genuine kindness and concern for others. Be compassionate. Be kind to yourself- and listen to what your inner voice has to say. And then obey. Don't push that voice down...it's you! Listen!

These rules spell... WE ROCK!

poem for today

I thought I'd write
a poem for today.
nothing too complicated, like how if I were a parabola you could tell if I was going up or down whether or not I was negative or positive...
nothing too simple like moo boo hoo
I'm much too complex for such elementary schemes...
now that I'm writing this poem for today
all I really want to do is take a nap.

Patience grasshopper

I am running out of patience. Patience with myself and patience with Jack. The only person I don't feel frustrated with is Jonathan. Lucky man.

After completing my 3 day juice fast (almost- I had fried rice and wine Wed. night.) I felt pretty good. I think I'd like to do a brown rice/juice fast next time. After the end of the semester I'd like to do 7 days of that. Kind of a twisted reward.

Today I am tired and cannot get motivated. But I'm glad it's a new week.

Day Three...

Randomly, in the middle of Monday, I decided that I was going to do a juice fast. So here I am on day three. It's been really interesting- especially the dreams- all night Monday night I dreamed I was juicing big giant leaves of kale- I kept waking up trying to juice the quilt. Then last night I just kept bunching together bunches of green leafy things... During my naptime yesterday I just kept thinking about food, but then when I think of eating it I get sort of grossed out. Working in a restaurant makes it all the more interesting to do this fast. Watching people eat, the way they eat, what they eat. Watching how people eat out of desperation and fear, and then the whole other side of the spectrum- the 2 women who ate just what they wanted, laughed and talked the whole time. I enjoyed them the most.

I'm intrigued by the other things I've read about fasting- i.e. that you get very emotional, that it opens your mind. I'm finding that I see things very clearly (as in physically see them) my patience fluctuates pretty wildly- but at the same time I know why so it makes it easier to be more patient. The attitude I have towards food was never one I thought of as a stuffing down of feelings- but I'm changing my mind about that. It seems like I want to eat more when I'm bored or frustrated than out of a real sense of hunger. And when I think about what my body is truly craving I want slowwww cooked caramelized onions with some brown rice. Mmmmm. That and a long sensual massage.

I'm looking forward to today. Depending on how it goes I may extend this fast for a few more days. Being my first one, I don't want to push too hard, but I also feel more and more ready for a challenge. And with a whole two days under my belt I may just be up for it! I'm liking this depraved state of mind. And since I'm the woman who always seems to bow before a challenge I daresay I'm feeling a bit proud of myself for not giving in to chicken wings and a beer.

juice

Ahhhh, juice. Green, lemony, did I mention green? Without really planning to I am on a juice fast today. I'd like to last until Thurs., which would be a full 3 day fast, hmmm. I notice that as soon as I plan to do something I tend to RUN wily nily in the opposite direction. Like a bratty teenager...oh nooooo, you can't tell me what to do sort of regression into being 15 again and although I knew it was better if I studied, followed the rules, didn't let boys reach under my shirt, I somehow always willed myself into doing exactly what I didn't want to do. This tendency lasts until, well, now. My best intentions always seem to get sidetracked by the little devil on my shoulder. After a rough day yesterday caused by totally drinking too much Sat. night I am motivated once again. This is a recurring theme with me- a boring, repetitive, once again theme with me. So, I'm hoping if I can get through today I can get through tomorrow and accomplish a tiny three day goal to set the stage for something even bigger.

Change is good, but I am scared. What if I don't like the "new me"? I mean, I don't really enjoy the one that let's me do whatever I want to do- let's face it- that me wastes a ton of time and money! But what if a juicing macro peace chic isn't who I really am. It is hard to figure out who you really are- but would I feel such a strong connection to these things if it weren't part of who I am? Food... I mean... juice for thought...

4 AM

Blogging at almost 5 AM. Such an oddity. But I found myself in bed, awake, and thought why not. All I was going to do was sit there and think until Jack gets up anyway. This has been an interesting week. I am finding that I love my new juicer and feel so much better in the morning after a big glass of gorgeous green juice than I ever did with my bowl of Cinnamon Harvest and milk. I totally agree that dairy is not good for you, that it creates sludge. This is true for many foods I've been figuring out. I can feel my body slowing down after I eat things like all the food from the BBQ place yesterday. I like thinking about these things, but I know that committing to as more healthy diet will take some serious willpower. I had a great conversation with my uncle last night about food and life in general. He has always called his body a "temple" and has always taken good care of himself. It was so refreshing to talk to someone who isn't so blinded by the "Great American Diet" i.e. meat, potatoes, dairy- who actually brought up the balance of food before I did.

I am feeling stressed about school, but better after I did some work yesterday. Keeping up is so important. And difficult, because Jonathan really doesn't have anything to do and it's so much easier to fuck off school that to study. I know what I have to do.

This new "diet" and way of thinking about things is starting to take shape. I can tell that I'm changing- physically as well as mentally. I need to find some more positive good energy people to be around, to be friends with. People who have the same interests and who, unlike my mother, are positive about life and want to care for themselves. It makes me so sad to see my mom being so fat, so unhappy, and so unwilling to do something about it. If you don't care enough about yourself to help yourself, then who else can you truly care about? Her negative attitude really brings me down. I worry about her a lot.

This past week has been rough- stress about school, Jack, PMS, not doing what I know I need to do- like making time for a run every day- is making me sad. I am embarking on this beautiful new journey but I don't really have anyone to share it with. Jonathan is so disconnected, so just "whatever you want to do" that it drives me nuts. No passion, no happiness, just being. I wonder sometimes how we will be in 10 years... it scares me to think that he won't ever come out of his "coma" and really experience the joy of life. It scares me that I won't stop hiding behind glasses of wine and really be me. I am starting to dream, starting to think about what I really want for the future- and while I'm writing it just keeps coming to me... stop drinking to get drunk, eat the right things, you will see more clearly than you've seen in 25 years. Packing my body full of food and drink, clogging it up without giving it a break- no wonder I'm listless all the time- no wonder I can't get quiet- I'm always working- working on digesting, working on not feeling like poo cause I'm hungover, working on predicting the future so I know the exact outcome and need not fear surprises. I am ready, Lord, am I ready. Let's go let go. I just figured out that I'm not alone. I just remembered God.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

Ahhh, needless to say "D-day" came and went, and so did my willpower. It happens pretty much every time. I set a goal, then try as hard as I can to not complete it. I really don't know what makes me do this... I think it's the way I was always told to do things someone elses way and not able to trust what I thought was the right way. Or maybe it's just me being - well, me. I know that if I can just get through some days of really listening to my "inner voice" (insert Jai Uttal chanting here...) that I will become a more enlightened being. Perhaps that's what I'm afraid of. Excavating all my old junk is not going to be easy. I feel like I have a big mound of dirt in front of me, and only I have the keys to the bulldozer. Except I have an real aversion to bulldozers, and therefore will not move this dirt. On the other side of this mound are undiscovered wonders that I won't ever see cause I just won't gather my courage and start the f-ing dozer.

Sometimes I just get so sick of myself.

I had a great run today.

D-Day

Yesterday was not so swell. Jack got sent home from school for the second time this year. This time for pushing 2 girls down, and trying to take other peoples work. Ugh. I want to be compassionate as well as kind of strict. I mean, we do have standards around here. But the day turned out fine. He put on his orange monster costume, and after some initial reluctance trick or treated and came back with a bagful.

Today is D-day because I am giving up dairy and drinking for the month of November. After having a yummy margarita and a fried beef chimichanga at dinner last night I am willing to give my "be nice to my body" month a whirl. D could also stand for "detox". Gettin' all the yucka mucka out.

Had a gorgeous run today- was it the "Green Lemonade" that made me feel so fantastic? That added to the better than ever weather made my feet fly.

Shut Up (or as mom would say, "Be quiet please.")

My brain works. All the time. My brain thinks, all the time. Trying to find some peace is what this journey is about. I bore myself sometimes because I'm so self involoved. But not that arrogant stuck up sort of way, more of a let's discuss everything to pieces until I feel a few seconds of reassurance then move on to analyze something else. It really is qwuite wearing on the psyche. Just writing this is a challenge because I want to go back and fix it, see if I said it the right way. How effing tiresome.

Had some beer and gin last night. I feel yucky today, so I'm headed out for a run to get the polluted juices flowing. I am reading about Macrobiotic and Raw Foods diets- this is making me really not want to drink. And in my head I'm going,"wait~this sounds like you have a huge drinking problem, no, don't make excuses~" perhaps what I have is a problem with drinking. It's a habit- I've been at it for years in varying intensities. Like quitting smoking years ago, I need to just accept that I don't want to have that relationship with alcohol anymore. It's hard to change that- habit makes me push myself to have another drink even when I really don't want one- almost like I'm scared to not get drunk, what's the point if I'm not getting schwilly? This issue has been the subject of so many journal entries, of so many problems, of so much wishing. Wishing I could be brave enough to just be me, not having to hide under the mask of a few or a few too many drinks.

I'm getting there. Change is slow. So slow. I'm hoping that by writing this I will see, in print, what my truth needs to be. I know that I am ready for a big change, that I'm tired of life the way it's been, tired of being half there for myself and everyone else, too. Time for a run.

Premier

Beginnings can be difficult. Really difficult. Especially after filling out the regulation forms, trying to think of my favorite book- that sort of sucked my brain out.

Hello! I am 36 years old. I'm married, with an almost 3 year old son. I am a full time student, as well as a part time waitress. (we won't go there today!) I run for fun as well as fitness, and am very health concious. But, I tend to drink too, too much- on a scary regular basis. And I am tired of feeling like there's a hand holding my head just below the water. Then, lo and behold, on Oprah last week, a vibrant woman called Kris Carr who pushed me out of the plane into the air, parachute attatched. She gave me a final bit of inspiration, a final nugget of truth that moved me to truly want to change my life.

I have a friend who died of cancer Feb. 14, 2007. She was a beautiful, brave woman who abandoned chemical treatment for life quality- in other words, she LET GO of what she was "supposed" to do and listened to her body, and found great joy in her final days. She and I were not close, but I remember a conversation we had once. She told me she started to LET GO and things became more clear.

Which brings me to my disease. No, it's not an official, medically documented one- no complicated name, no pills to take. It's called white knuckled fearful prediction of all future events and outcomes accompanied by an acute case of self doubt. My brain is so overworked it really should have gone on strike years ago. Perhaps that's how the drinking started. To escape from my never quiet brain. The constant doubting of every decision, of every sentence-THIS is the me I'm breaking up with. Relationships can be hard, and they are work. But they can also be a source of great comfort, of solace and of joy. This is the beginning of my journey.